Daily Logs 12-9-14

I. Leslie and Zef agree that they disagree... and on breaking up their friendship


I.
Leslie: *in her quarters in comfy clothes because it's a comfy clothes kind of day, also pacing in her living area because omg she agreed to talk to Zef what has she done*
Zef: *today in the morning, sent Leslie a message, asking if they can meet up today* *was kinda nervous about it all day, eventually heads for her quarters at the agreed time; stops in front if the door, breathes deeply... and again and chimes* *for the record: wearing civvies, apparently comfy clothes are a thing today*
Leslie: *fuck* *breathes deep twice* It's open! *stops pacing, and moves to her couch instead, sitting on the arm*
Zef: *oh good o__o; cool it's open, yeah cool* *inhales, opens the door, exhales, enters* Hey.
Leslie: Hey Zef. *smiles. it's a bit forced, but it's a smile*
Zef: *but it's a bit forced...* *closes the door* Hey. Erm, thanks for taking time. *friendly but not smiling, is too nervous*
Leslie: Yeah. *runs a hand through her hair* Anything for you. It's been awhile.
Zef: *nodnod* Yeahh... yeah, it's been a while. We said 'see you soon', but... *clueless shrug; obviously 'see you soon' didn't work out*
Leslie: *crooked grin* Two weeks later...
Zef: Well, I met Tristan... *brief awkward smile*
Leslie: Yeah, he told me. He liked you.
Zef: Oh. Cool. *Tristan liked him* Yeah, he's cool. He, well, I didn't get it at first but in hindsight... he reminded me of you. *nodnod*
Leslie: *surprised grin* Did he really? How?
Zef: Well... *looks down for a second, thinking* He glared. At me and at the Comms officer. And his humor. Cut off limbs, you know. *hesitatingly heads for the couch*
Leslie: Oh. *raises an eyebrow* I'm glad to see that's genetic and not dependent on circumstances.
Zef: Though I don't think your Host Leslie version would have been into it. *points at the couch, like: can I?*
Leslie: Well...no, probably not. Come to think of it, there's a few other versions of me that wouldn't be into it. *sighs* That's so disappointing. *oh* *nods at him, like, yes you can*
Zef: Oh, I don't know. I guess that means in some universes my limbs are safe. Er. Ish. *sits*
Leslie: Eh. *shrugs* They're never entirely safe.
Zef: *sighs* I guess not. I never lost one, though, so... safe enough. *you hear me universe?! Safe enough!*
Leslie: That you know of.
Zef: Well, yeah okay. As long as it's fixable...?
Leslie: Well...How do you feel about bionic arms?
Zef: I'd rather keep my own, but... I guess it's better than having only one arm. Or none.
Leslie: They're not so bad. And they don't have nerve endings!
Zef: So at least they wouldn't send pain stimuli? Okay. No pain is good.
Leslie: Yeah, see? They have their uses.
Zef: *nodnod* Yeah, totally. But I guess losing a limb would be bad...
Leslie: Only in your mind. *^^*
Zef: It would hurt... Physically.
Leslie: Not for long~
Zef: Long enough. Except... maybe I could just faint. *good plan...* *speaking of plans...*
Leslie: *noooo no plans, let's forget plans ^^'''* *nods* Yeah. That and the loss of blood...you probably wouldn't be awake for most of it.
Zef: I guess... that's good. Kinda. But someone would have to come and rescue me. *but I have plans...*
Leslie: *do you do you really* *let's ignore them anyway* There's plenty of doctors and medics. I'm sure someone would. *maybe you could get your precious Terrence to...no Leslie let's not go there*
Zef: *yes, let's not go there... I need a convenient moment for The Plan* Probably. But then there'd be Sickbay. *if only The Plan was half as great as it looks when it's capitalized o_o*
Leslie: Is there something wrong with Sickbay? *raises her eyebrows*
Zef: *headshake* No, but with me. With me and Sickbay, when I'm a patient.
Leslie: Well that's your problem. As I seem to recall, Sickbay's always taken care of you.
Zef: I know. *sigh* And I didn't say they haven't.
Leslie: So I guess my recommendation is to not lose any limbs, in the long run.
Zef: That's the plan. *The Plan... come on, do it*
Leslie: *no dammit not The Plan* It uh...sounds like a pretty good one.
Zef: *nodnodnod* I'm probably not the only one who with that plan. *come on damnit get it started...*
Leslie: Yeah, it seems to be a pretty common plan.
Zef: Yeah... Yeah, hey, erm. *okay perfect start... ish*
Leslie: *assumes that's the start of something he wants to talk about* *no T_T* Yeah?
Zef: *good guess...* I erm. Speaking of plans... I think maybe we should, I mean. *headshake, coughs* I wanted to talk. With you. About... you know. *no idea who to sum it up* Also... I have a letter for you. I wrote it because it helped me sorting things out, I guess. *Marcella suggested it in a session* So I'd like to talk. Or give you that letter. Or both. *o___o not nervous at all, no way*
Leslie: *kill me* Okay. *nods slowly* Would you like to talk? Or maybe I read the letter and we go from there? *also talking slowly because somehow that makes it better*
Zef: Erm. Right. *slight nodnod* We could do that. *soooo damn hella nervous, damnit, why, this is gonna end bad, he'll make it worse, he'll fail, bad mistake*
Leslie: *this is gonna take forever at this rate* Okay, so can I? *read it, that is*
Zef: Sure. … Oh! Sure. *shifts, pulls out a small PADD and holds it out for her* Here. *right, I have to give you the letter first so you can read it...* Do you mind if I...? *points vaguely at the replicator; doing something while she reads is probably a good thing, better than sitting and staring somewhere...*
Leslie: *no replicator for you* *takes the PADD* Thanks. And sure, help yourself.
Zef: Okay, thanks. *hesitates for a few seconds, then he gets up and heads for the replicator* *beverages are good; coffee maybe or booze or no, anything*
Leslie: *slides onto the couch proper as she reads, and curls up more and more into a ball, reading the PADD over and over, before finally just staring at the screen blankly* *eventually snaps out of it, stands, puts the PADD down on the couch, goes into her room, and shuts the door*
Zef: stands at the replicator for a moment until he decides for coffee, takes the cup and... just stays standing next to the replicator, leaning against the wall and waits; doesn't really look at Leslie but at his cup, sips coffee and only eyes her now and then* *looks up, though, when she gets up and heads off* … *crap?* *crap* *what now?* *doesn’t move*
Leslie: *sits on the floor in her bedroom, back against her bed, taking very deep breaths, but not making any other sounds*
Zef: *tensed; undecided if he should stay or go* *maybe she comes back? Or maybe she just wants him to go, but couldn't say so, so she went away?* *disposes his coffee... still undecided but he's sure he doesn't want it anymore*
Leslie: *takes a few minutes to calm herself down before coming out again, wondering if Zef will still be there*
Zef: *after disposing his coffee, stands next to the matter recycler, uncomfortable and nervous... but decides to wait for a bit; if she needs some time to sort herself out she should have it and maybe she comes back and maybe... or maybe she kicks him out* *anyway, standing next to the matter recycler, looks at her when she comes out*
Leslie: *sits back on the couch, where she was before, moving the PADD out of the way, and then looks at him* Okay.
Zef: *looks like he can stay?* *slight hesitant nod, comes closer*
Leslie: *waits for him to sit back down on the couch before she's going to say anything else*
Zef: *okay, sits down*
Leslie: *okay Leslie start with the nice stuff first* Thank you for that. I understand a little bit better where you're coming from.
Zef: *nods slightly, mumbling* Okay. I hoped so. *so it was no complete failure*
Leslie: *runs a hand through her hair* I'm not sure where to go from here, though. I still want to be friends, but I'm not sure how that would work out in the end.
Zef: *looks at her for a second, undecided how to react, then just nods* You're not sure. But it could work out? Somehow.
Leslie: *small shake of the head* Let me rephrase. I'm not sure /if/ it could work out.
Zef: *o_o* Oh...
Leslie: *passes a hand over her eyes* Look. I love you, and in a perfect world, I'd have no problem with this at all. But that's not what this is, and lately every time I think of this, *waves a hand around which totally clearly indicates what she's talking about* I feel sick. And yeah, your letter cleared up some things and made a little more sense, but in the long run, you're an idiot, your logic is flawed, and I can't reconcile that with how much I care about you. *so much for tact*
Zef: *swallows, blinks slowly, inhales and finally nods exhaling, but can't say anything* …
Leslie: *pulls her knees up and hugs them, looking at him and trying to gauge his reaction*
Zef: *swallows again* But how... is my logic flawed? *very slight, clueless headshake*
Leslie: *picks up the PADD and glances at it* It has nothing to do with you not being here longer. Absolutely nothing. Maybe at the most, you would know Terrence better, and maybe his marriage wouldn't have been so long or wouldn't have happened at all. I don't care that I've known him longer, and I'm not holding that against you. At least, I'm not trying to. You're not being left out, and I'm not saying because I've had more time to put in effort into a relationship, you should listen to me. I'm saying it because I've seen what can happen. *pauses, thinking* It's like when you tell a child not to stick their finger in a socket. It's not because you've had more time to build a relationship with and interact with the socket, it's because you know what can happen and they don't.
Zef: … yeah. I think I got that. It's just how I feel sometimes, y'know? It doesn't make much sense, but when we talked last time I, well, I felt like it. So I left. Because I can't blame on you what /I/ make of something you said. *sighs* I'm still a different person...
Leslie: I'm aware that you're a different person.
Zef: So... *clueless shrug* it's a totally different situation, right? I don't see why I'm the idiot. I have another point of view, but does that make me an idiot? *no hostile tone, despite the wording; trying to get it*
Leslie: Because yeah, you're a different person, but the constant factor in all of this is Terrence. /You're/ the variable. So to think that the constant will behave differently just because you're different is really stupid.
Zef: *raises a brow* No. It isn't. *headshake* The same person can react differently to different people. Also, people can change. No one is a constant, at least not by mathematical definition. *frowns* And since I'm a different person, why would Terrence react the same way to me than he did to you or Molly?
Leslie: *resists a facepalm or any other frustrated gesture* Are you saying Molly and I are the same person? He treated us both horribly, so by your logic, it must be the case.
Zef: *wth?!* What? No. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that each person is different, so you can't say: because it went wrong here, it's gonna go wrong there as well.
Leslie: *makes her lips into a thin line and says nothing*
Zef: *quiet for a moment, internally debating if to go on or... oh well* Are you saying that he treats everyone horrible? Molly. You. So he'll treat me horrible, too? I just don't notice. Or it's gonna happen /sometime/? *teeth slightly clenched*
Leslie: *nods* Yeah. I'm saying that.
Zef: *mouth open, raises his brow* Wow... *stunned briefly before he spits a humorless laugh, headshaking* Great. Wow, great, this is just /great/! So you really think I'm an absolute fool? Wow. And you don't trust my judgment at all?
Leslie: *pained look* Zefram, I didn't say that.
Zef: Then what did you say!?
Leslie: I'm saying that maybe you're walking into a bad situation.
Zef: Okay. I don't think I am. And I don't feel treated horrible at all.
Leslie: *that's not how abusive relationships work you know /nothing/* Okay.
Zef: Do you think I am treated horrible anyway?
Leslie: I don't know. *runs both hands through her hair * I don't know the details of your relationship. But I know that he has a shitty track record, and people like that don't change overnight, if at all.
Zef: And of course that shitty track record is his fault alone because everyone elses' relationships never go wrong?
Leslie: I'm not saying everyone else has perfect relationships. And I'm not saying I'm blameless. But I am saying his track record /is/ his fault.
Zef: Some people are more complicated than others. Doesn't mean they're bad people.
Leslie: *blinks very very slowly at him* Complicated. /Com/plicated?
Zef: *sighs, shuts his eyes firmly for a second, slight quick headshake* I'm not seeing the monster you see, okay!? I'm not saying that all he ever did was right and I don't want to justify it. But yes, it is double-edged! And no, I don't think I'm walking into a bad situation.
Leslie: *exhales and says as quietly and calmly as she can manage* I hope you're right.
Zef: *breathes deeply, trying to calm down, at least a bit* … Yeah. *sighs* I was hoping we wouldn't argue this badly...
Leslie: *raises an eyebrow* Not when we both feel so strongly.
Zef: Yeah. Still... *hope doesn't have to be reasonable, though it's better when it is... as for disappointments*
Leslie: *rubs her eyes and says nothing* *maybe if she just doesn't talk, things will magically get better*
Zef: *looks at his hands, exhausted and dull from all his anger* I still want to be friends with you, but... now I see why you don't know how.
Leslie: *wipes at her eyes* I don't see how it could happen.
Zef: *nodnods silently, mumbles* Well, it worked when we didn't talk about it... *but now that we did, could we even go back to not talking?* *do I want to?*
Leslie: *humorless snort* And see how long that lasted.
Zef: … well, I wanted to discuss it because we weren't talking at all. But I'm done.
Leslie: *swallows* I think I am, too.
Zef: So... *heavy sigh* What now?
Leslie: I don't think this can go on. I love you, but I can't with this, *not saying her affection is dependent on his love life, that is not at all what she means* I really can't.
Zef: *gets that* *closes his eyes, takes a deep slow breath to let sink in what she just said; eventually looks at her... and nods slightly but firmly* I agree. I love you, too, but with this... I can't either.
Leslie: I'm sorry.
Zef: Yeah. Me too.
Leslie: *looks at him* Can I hug you?
Zef: *slight nod* Mhm.
Leslie: *scoots over on the couch to where he's sitting and wraps her arms around his torso*
Zef: *lets her wrap her arms around him and wraps his arms around her*
Leslie: *doesn't say anything, just hugs him*
Zef: *hugs her silently, but starts squeezing her slightly so the tears that want to come won't come, squeezing helps...*
Leslie: *squeezes back*
Zef: *briefly squeezes even a little more... then loosens his hug, but doesn't let go*
Leslie: *keeps herself leaned against him because as long as he's okay with this, she is, too* I'm gonna miss you.
Zef: *just leaning against her* Yeah... I'm gonna miss you, too. Sorry.
Leslie: I know. I'm sorry too. *pushes away and looks up at him* You know this doesn't mean I hate you, right? If you ever need anything, I'm still here for you. I mean it.
Zef: *oh* *straightens* *sighs quietly, looking at her, nods slightly* Yeah. I mean, I know. Thanks, Leslie. *pause, half hasty half calm* That goes for you, too, of course. I don't hate you. And, you know, if you need anything...
Leslie: *nodnodnods* I'll call you. I promise.
Zef: Okay. *nodnod* Okay...
Leslie: *I guess this is the part where you leave* Okay.
Zef: Yeah. *sighs* *yeah, that's probably the part where he leaves* So... erm. Okay. Guess I should go.
Leslie: *nods* Okay. I guess so.
Zef: Right. *gets up, looks down for a second, then at her* Bye, Leslie.
Leslie: *swallows* See you, Zefram.
Zef: *slight nod* See you. *inhales deeply, holds his breath for a few seconds and heads for the door when he finally exhales as if he needed it to be able to move*
Leslie: *watches him, hardly moving at all, from the couch*
Zef: *leaves Leslie's quarters and heads for his own, mercifully it's on the same deck...*
Leslie: *curls up into a ball on the couch and starts sobbing the second the door closes behind him*
Zef: *arrives in his quarters, locks his door but isn't sure what to do other than that; just sit, lie down, bathroom floor, cry, distract, ... all he knows is, he needs to be all alone for a while*