Daily Logs 1-16-15

I. The enemy within: Terrence tells Zef what he truly fears
II. Gossip and mean things: Molly visits Leslie



I.
Terrence: *sitting with Zef on the couch —they stayed up late watching a movie because he wanted to talk, but he wanted to be tired first*
Zef: *for now he's still blind, but all other senses are functioning normally* *leaning against Terry, eyes half closed but isn't sleepy, just relaxing*
Terrence: *can't hear, but his thoughts still drift in and out of pleasant murmurings* *exhales* Hey? //I can talk. I'm ready//
Zef: *opens his eyes, but doesn't look at him, nods slightly* Okay. //Okay-- can you still hear me?// *is quite sure that he's just heard Terry's mental voice, but this is important so he must make sure*
Terrence: I can hear you. I mean, your thoughts. Not...anything else. //the world is still dead//
Zef: //Okay... I think I 'm not getting your feelings anymore.// *stopped being empathic, but he still knows him well enough, being deaf is bad for him* //I'll listen.// *with a very subtle white noise*
Terrence: *nods and hugs him for a moment before speaking* I've realized how afraid I am of...myself. What I'm capable of. How I hurt people.
Zef: *the white noise gets a little louder when his stomach cramps painlessly, nods slowly, listening, is there more?*
Terrence: I'm afraid I-I manipulate the people I think I care about. That I don't care at all, except about me. What if I'm not even capable of loving anyone else? What if I lie to myself and everyone and you? //what if this conversation is manipulation, I should never have said anything at all, this is just a ploy to get what I want, it has to be, is that all this is?//
Zef: *squeezes him slightly, the white noise turns into an upset hasty murmur, arguing against what Terry just said, struggling to think about what Zef actually wants to reply* //What makes you say that? Why are you afraid?// *he can guess or partly he even knows, but still*
Terrence: *swallows a few times* My first fiancee told me I was controlling when she broke up with me. I always wanted to put things my way...and then before I married Molly, Vekal accused me of being manipulative and...and it floored me. And now we're divorced, and Molly's still unhappy. What if I did it on purpose? What if I damaged her so she'd break if she didn't have me? What if I did that on purpose? *his thoughts grow panicked, incoherent, jumping from fear to fear without resting long enough to hear anything*
Zef: *finds it difficult to keep his thoughts sorted enough to form sentences, the murmur gets even more hasty and louder, like a storm and it doesn't stop when he “speaks” conscious thoughts, it's only pushed far enough in the background* //But if you're wondering if you've done something on purpose, can you even have done it on purpose? It's what people say about you. It doesn't have to be true.// *with anger flickering in the murmur*
Terrence: I could, I could be...doing it for my own gain. I manipulate people in counseling sessions, Zef, I coax them in the right direction and let them think they got there on their own, that they helped themselves. What if I do that to everyone? What if Oliver sees through it and that's why he's never liked me? What if Vekal and Leslie always saw it and that's why they hate me now? *his voice grows faster and faster, more strained* What if that's why none of Molly's friends wanted her to marry me? What if I'm lying to you? What if every time I tell you I love you, it's just a lie to make /you/ love /me/ so I feel good? //don't cry, crying, manipulative, don't don't//
Zef: *swallows and tenses up, teeth clenched, tries to stay calm while the mental murmur cries up furiously* //You help them to help themselves, is what you do. And helping them helps you. But there's nothing wrong with that, not manipulative.// *another mental furious cry* //I believe you, even if you don't believe yourself. I even felt it, Terrence, it was so warm.// *felt it, meaning because of the empathy he's had* //The others, the others, they...// *anger takes over, he needs a moment to sort his thoughts out*
Terrence: *seems to almost curl up* I'm so afraid, Zef. I read things about abuse and I wonder if that's me. I think I do those things. I've never hit anyone but there are so many ways to abuse and I'm scared I've done all the ones that don't leave marks you can see or scan. *voice cracks* I'm so afraid.
Zef: //It's /not/ you!!// *the thought comes so furious and sudden, he can't hold it back* *squeezes Terry* //Sorry. Sorry, I'm angry, but not at you. I'm not angry at you.// *the murmur continues angrily but worry adds up to it* //What are those things? What is it that you think you've done? What they say you've done?// *that's the reply he wanted*
Terrence: *starts slightly at the loud thought in his head, but it's just a reaction, he's not afraid* W-well...I had so much trouble dealing with Molly's aversion to touch. I-I kept pressuring her, all the time, and that's...that's abusive, trying to get her to be something she isn't. I've hurt her a lot. And now even after the divorce she's not happy. I just used her and-and threw her away when she decided she didn't want to be treated that way anymore. I made her cry so many times, Zef... //all the time, more tears than smiles, I did that//
Zef: //I wasn't there, so-- I'll try to talk about the things I do know.// *for a moment chaotic murmur takes over, a struggle between different trains of thought* //You made mistakes. So did she. You might have wanted her to be someone she's not and she wanted you to be someone you are not. You want, no, no, need, you /need/ opposite things. That went wrong.//
Terrence: *shivers slightly* //what if he's only saying that because I've manipulated him// *but aloud* Yeah...
Zef: *slight headshake, starts mumbling verbally while he's forming his thoughts, otherwise they'd turn into chaos too quickly* //You're not manipulating me. How would you be manipulating me?// *somewhat desperate* //What makes you think that this isn't my opinion, but manipulation?//
Terrence: *feels the vibrations in his body from speech* PADD, I'll get my PADD, you can talk. *pushes slightly at him so he can get up*
Zef: *shifts aside* Okay... //Okay...// *simultaneously*
Terrence: *gets up and retrieves his PADD from his desk, then returns* Okay. I um...I don't know. But what if I've only showed you my good side? What if I hurt you if you didn't act how I wanted?
Zef: *shifts closer when he feels Terry's back* //We've had arguments, okay, but...// … but I doubt you've ever hurt me because of that. We've had arguments because we didn't agree or, or because we didn't understand each other. But... do you think you've maybe only shown me your good side because I never, I don't know, broke down in an argument? *all the time the mental murmur continues, angry, tensed and worried*
Terrence: I don't know... *thoughts are confused, trying to piece this all together*
Zef: You're not manipulating me... and you're not hurting me. *unintentional sad furious add-on* //Why does everyone say that? I feel better than I ever did!// But I know how it's hard to believe, you know, that you're not the worst person ever. *he's got the same issue with himself after all* So, I don't know, we could talk it through.
Terrence: *hugs him* You really think I'm not? *hopeful* *then his tone takes a nosedive into fear again* But what if this whole conversation was just to manipulate you, too? I made you feel upset for me and now you've told me my behavior is okay.
Zef: *leans into the hug and takes a deep breath when his thoughts cry up in anger and worry, replies when it fades into the background, but it doesn't stop* Of course I feel upset for you, Terrence. I'm your friend, your boyfriend even. I love you. It bothers me when you're not okay, like it bothers someone when their friends or family aren't okay.
Terrence: //I love him...how can that not be real?// *quietly* Okay. //I need help// I need help for this, Zef. From you and from a professional, I think. I...I'm just so afraid of myself. I need help.
Zef: *squeezes him* Okay. *pauses for a few seconds, sorting himself out, thoughts whirling wildly* I'll help you. I think... this is quite a lot, you know? Many people, many situations... over many years, so, yeah, if you want to talk about it that's probably good. With me, with a professional. Both. //but pick someone who doesn't tell you cra-- crap// *o_o;* Oh...
Terrence: Who would tell me crap? //what if I need crap, what if crap is the truth, what if I'm crappy//
Zef: *outwardly leaning against him, voice calm, but mentally crying out* … no, you're not crappy and crap isn't the truth. *slight headshake* I mean, in a way truth /is/ in the eye of the beholder. *shrugs* Who gets you wrong or disagrees or gets mad at you or whatever, they might think you're crap. And you do, when you think about all the mistakes you ever made. But that's not everything about you... you know? There's more. But I know how it's hard to see it. *so damn well*
Terrence: You're valuable. //I forget to tell you sometimes// You are.
Zef: *ghost of a smile* And you're awesome. You really are. And you didn't make me say this. You can tell me everything. You can tell me what you want me to do or not do and... and then I either listen to you or I won't, but when I listen to you I don't do that because I think I /have to/. I think about what you say and, I don't know, often I just agree. *the mental murmur keeps going on, it seems to calm down, but more because it's getting tired of anger and fury; it's tensed and worried* But you can tell me... it's not manipulating me. It's telling me what /you/ want. Information.
Terrence: *nods slowly* Information. //I can do that, that's all right// *quiet for a moment* I'm...I'm still afraid. //so afraid//
Zef: Yeah... *sighs quietly* I know. *squeezes him* It's okay. I'm here. I'll help you.
Terrence: *quietly* You're with me... *thoughts echo the phrase*
Zef: *ghost of a smile, nodding* Yeah, I'm with you. //The necklace! He likes it!//
Terrence: *small smile* No I don't, I love it. *thoughts are a sort of chuckle, that's a great joke*
Zef: *smiles a bit more, his thoughts calming down* Even better.
Terrence: *exhales and relaxes, tired, everything is tiring, emotions are tiring, phrases which are repeated in his thoughts*
Zef: *silent for a moment, thoughts murmuring quietly, mulling things over* … *mumbles, soft voice* Hey... Thanks for telling me, okay? //Wow, that's... a damn lot to talk about, really. But I would. I want to. Want to understand. I mean, yeah, he's made mistakes but... no, he's no bad person. I still don't get it, why...// *... drifting into single words: but mistakes, don't like you, judge, don't see, failures, mutual, ...*
Terrence: *quietly* Thank you for listening. //I love you//
Zef: I love you, too. *squeezes him slightly, exhaling* //I love you, too.//
Terrence: *closes his eyes, his thoughts more docile, happier, and just cuddles Zef*


II.
Molly: *decides that she doesn't want to be alone and ventures to Leslie's quarters to chime, hoping she won't mind some company that can read her emotions*
Leslie: *that'd be hypocritical seeing as she can do the exact same thing* *calls* It's open! *flopped out on the couch with a drink, still in her uniform* *and then adds* I hope you're somebody I like.
Molly: *opens the door and steps inside* Unless I messed something up and didn't realize it, I think so? *currently giving off waves of her usual emotional combination: nervousness mixed with determination*
Leslie: Oh thank god, it's just you. *is mostly just feeling tired, with flecks of irritation that are very slowly dissolving* I was afraid I might be inviting somebody who /needed/ something into my quarters. *sips her drink* Wanna sit down?
Molly: Well, if you count the need for company I do need something. *comes over and sits down* Why did you leave it open if you didn't want anyone to come in who needed something?
Leslie: *shrugs* Habit. I just never lock it when I'm in here, and usually I don't mind company, so I forget to do anything to prevent company on the days I hate everybody.
Molly: *always locks her doors ._.* *paranoid* I could try to put together a thingy that would detect people coming to the door and ask them what they want and only open the door if they don't need something. *considers* Well. I could get halfway into concept and design and then need an Engineer to help.
Leslie: *shakes her head* That's too much work. If I actually don't want somebody in here, I'll just glare 'em out the door. It mostly works.
Molly: But only mostly. This device could practically guarantee you a 100% success rate.
Leslie: *amused* It's a clever idea but I like my odds.
Molly: Living life on the edge, I see. *glances over* What are you drinking?
Leslie: Coffee. *sips her drink* Well. Coffee and liqueur. Heavy on the liqueur. Dash of coffee. Want some?
Molly: *shakes her head* Trying to ease off. Plus, you know, caffeine plus night time equals worse sleep than usual.
Leslie: *makes a face* It's decaf. I know it's heinous but I'd like to sleep tonight too.
Molly: Speaking of sleep, do you mind if I stay over?
Leslie: Not at all. Something up?
Molly: Nothing in particular. I just wanted company and no one else really wants mine. So you were chosen. Aren't you lucky.
Leslie: The most fortunate girl in the universe. *stretches* I'm surprised that with all your friends, nobody wanted to hang out.
Molly: *snorts* All my friends who?
Leslie: Well there's Erik and Vekal and maybe some other people? I don't know, you seem like you know everybody, maybe you're friends with them too.
Molly: Erik, while climbing and working with him is fine, is not the "hang out" type, at least not with me. Vekal.... *sighs* I think she's mad at me, again, and I'm never sure why. I asked her if we could try to talk after this whole thing is solved, but I don't know if we will. Or if I should even try.
Leslie: Okay, true, Erik's not really one for talking and sitting still.*unless you're dating him* And I don't know enough about Vekal to give you any advice there. *takes another sip from her drink and stands, heading over to the replicator* Maybe you need more friends.
Molly: You know, that's exactly what Roca told me. She also told me to be more open. *slight scoff* That was an interesting conversation.
Leslie: Did she give you any other good life advice? *recycles her cup* *is more relaxed now, and feeling calm*
Molly: I don't remember. Most of the conversation was her telling me to basically be less stand-offish with the crew and to connect with more people. Which is funny, because as far as I can tell she exclusively hangs out with Commander Loris.
Leslie: Sometimes Rorin.
Molly: *raises her eyebrows* Do you know that because you stalk her or because Rorin told you?
Leslie: I know that because I hear things. They've been known to sit together in the lounge.
Molly: And everyone says Comms is the rumor mill. Seems like Sickbay has claimed that title.
Leslie: Hey. You still have Lisery. I'm 95% certain that she does most of the rumor circulating. *replicates a small plate of crackers and heads back to the couch*
Molly: *groans* Don't even talk to me about her. Different topic. Everyone behaving in Sickbay?
Leslie: Mostly. And I just avoid the people who irritate me. Or I try to.
Molly: Any juicy gossip you should share with me, the leader of the rumor mill circuit?
Leslie: Not at the moment. You know everything so far. *sits back down on the couch, munching her crackers* That or it's uninteresting.
Molly: Too bad. Though I suppose no drama is good. We've already got enough trouble to deal with without people getting all emotional and frantic about random shit.
Leslie: *snorts* They get emotional and frantic enough over their senses. It's wearing.
Molly: Well, that's more understandable, it's been pretty scary here and there. I think I've lost all of them at some point, but thankfully they've all come back after just a few minutes. But you would think that people would be trained well enough /not/ to freak out every time something weird happens.
Leslie: You'd be wrong if you think that. Even some of the medical staff, sometimes. They can be the /worst/.
Molly: Maybe I'm just hardened after being here for so long. *drags her fingers through her hair and then twists it into a bun* Whatever. I know I'm a huge hypocrite, but people on this ship get too emotional about everything. They all just need to calm down.
Leslie: Tell me about it. *stuffs the last of the crackers into her mouth and stands again* That new doctor. Dover? Such a big deal over everything. *doesn't like him. Exaggerates a lot. Also doesn't like him.* I mean, I know he's an ensign and not used to all this, but really these past two weeks haven't been so bad.
Molly: Someone tell him about all the worse things that have happened, that will make him feel better.
Leslie: I don't think that'll help. *Hattans. He dealt with the Hattans* *recycles her plate* You want anything?
Molly: *shakes her head* I ate before I came over, but thanks. *rubs her eyes* I feel like I'm being mean. Maybe I should just go to sleep and stop saying mean things.
Leslie: Well, I'm going to sleep, but it won't stop me from saying mean things.
Molly: You say mean things in your sleep?
Leslie: I say mean things in my dreams sometimes. Once I called somebody a lemon-sniffing cummerbund.
Molly: *snorts* What a terrible insult. Who was the insult directed at? Do you remember? *gets up and goes to Leslie's replicator to make herself some pajamas*
Leslie: Some guy. You don't know him. *heads into her room to change out of sight but leaves the door open for communication purposes*
Molly: Well I'm sure he deserved it. *gets changed quickly while Leslie is in the other room, recycling her uniform and then making a blanket and pillow as well* Though I'm curious, what's so bad about lemon-sniffing?
Leslie: I haven't got the faintest idea. But he was very insulted. I was quite satisfied. *comes back into the doorway in her pajamas and stands there*
Molly: I'll have to look it up. Was he Terran? *setting up the couch for sleeps*
Leslie: So he claimed.
Molly: Any reason to disbelieve him?
Leslie: Wishful thinking.
Molly: Ah. *climbs onto the couch and manages to roll herself into her preferred burrito-style blanket arrangement* *brushed her teeth before she came over* I'll look it up in the morning. *yawns* Thanks for letting me stay. I promise I don't snore.
Leslie: I know you don't snore, you've stayed over enough times. *waves a hand at her* You know you can come over any time, and help yourself to anything. G'night. *turns and heads into her room*
Molly: *calls after her* Oh man that's awesome, I'll use your replicator, I totally don't have one of those in /my/ room.
Leslie: One of the privileges of being a very high ranking officer! You should become a Lieutenant too someday. *crawls into bed and won't talk anymore if Molly doesn't*
Molly: *laughs to herself and then turns over and closes her eyes, falling asleep a few minutes later*